People Always Leave
by Charmita
Summary: Mouse had gone missing only two weeks after he had rejoined the Army for a secret mission. Jay had vowed to bring him back and Erin was left behind, having to face the possible reality of neither of them ever coming home again. [Slightly AU, set some time after 4x05]


**Title:** _People Always Leave_

 **Summary:** Mouse left for the army and even though Jay Halstead wasn't happy about his best friend reenlisting and putting his life in danger he had accepted it, but when Mouse went missing after having been there for only 2 weeks and no one was able to find him, Jay made it his own personal mission to bring him back. Meanwhile Erin Lindsay was trying to live her life back in Chicago without constantly worrying about his safety and whether he would be able to get Mouse back and bring him home safely. During all of this, there was only one thing she knew for sure: People always leave. [Linstead AU set some time after 4x05. One-shot]

 **Genre:** Romance/Drama

 **Rating:** T

 **A/N:** I have been watching way too much _One Tree Hill_ lately (to be honest I just started watching it a week ago and can't seem to stop :D) and for some reason the famous P. Sawyer quote ' _People always leave_ just stuck with me. It just felt like it would fit Erin's character perfectly and I wanted to explore what it would be like for her if Jay left and she wasn't sure he'd make it back to her, so that's why I decided to write this and also why this is entirely from Erin's perspective. I currently have no plans to write more for this story, even though I know this has the potential to be more than just a one-shot. I know the ending is a bit ambiguous and I'm sorry for that, but I liked it better this way. I hope you enjoy reading and please forgive any mistakes (spelling or otherwise).

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from Chicago PD or One Tree Hill.**

* * *

It had been 30 days, 10 hours, 45 minutes and 15 seconds since Erin Lindsay had last seen her partner and boyfriend Jay Halstead in person. Not that she was counting. She was just trying to prevent her mind from thinking up even more worst case scenarios than it had already come up with.

It had been a week since she had last talked to him. Now every call went straight to voicemail and every text she sent him remained unanswered.

She knew she shouldn't keep doing this to herself. She needed to accept the fact that she'd lost him, that he was yet another person in her life that she'd cared deeply about, that she'd loved with every fiber of her being and that had ended up leaving her. Because that was what almost every person close to her was best at. At the end of the day, people always leave.

Erin had had to learn that lesson the hard way, pretty early on in her life. The first person to leave her, at the tender age of five, had been her dad when he'd gone to prison for assault and attempted murder. Of course she hadn't known the details back then. Bunny had only told her that, "Daddy had to leave, sweetie. He isn't coming back."

She hadn't told her daughter that her father still loved her or that it was not her fault that he left or where he'd disappeared to and it wasn't until much later when Erin was in her early teens and fighting with her mother about her constant drug use that she had told Erin that her father had left because of Erin, because he had felt trapped playing house with them and that he had needed to get away and that he'd gotten very drunk and had started a fight in a shady bar and had almost killed an innocent bystander who had tried to get him to calm down.

It had been evident that Bunny had blamed Erin for her husband's acting out, even though he had only stayed with her for so long because of their daughter not despite her and because Bunny had threatened that if he ever left her she'd make sure she got sole custody of their child, take her and leave the country so that he would never get the chance to see her or talk to her again.

Erin had only gotten to know about all of this recently after Bunny, who had just gotten out of rehab, had felt guilty for not telling her the whole truth until now and had told her in an attempt to win her back.

Erin still hadn't contacted her father and had told her mother to do what she had always done best: leave. After the last time they'd spoken she hadn't thought she would have to tell her again, but apparently she had been wrong, because her mother seemed adamant on mending their relationship. Erin didn't care though, because some things were broken beyond repair.

Shifting on the couch inside of her and Jay's apartment - she still couldn't believe that they had moved in together and had lived here happily for about a month before everything had fallen apart when they'd discovered that Mouse had gone missing only a couple of weeks after he had reenlisted- she thought about all the people in her life that had left, most of them involuntary: Teddy, Charlie, Camille, Nadia, Justin, Olive and Daniel, Mouse and now Jay.

She couldn't help but think that most of it was her fault and she started to wonder what would have happened if she'd done more to protect the people she cared about.

Teddy would have never gotten into the hands of that pedophile ring had she stepped up and taken care of him, instead of letting him enter the foster system.

Charlie… he had been her first love and even though his leaving had been for the better, she couldn't help but feel guilty for having robbed Travis of a chance to grew up with a father. She would have given everything to get that chance, to grow up with a father and a mother who loved her.

Camille had been that mother for her. She had been the one who had stood by Erin's side through it all: the good, the bad and the ugly. Hank's wife had always supported her, even if Erin hadn't made it easy for her during the first year she had been staying with the Voights.

Just thinking about all of her teenage escapades and the youthful indiscretions Camille and Hank had had to put up with, she felt embarrassed. She wished nothing more than to be able to take it all back and not spent that first year trying to make their life a living hell.

She had tried to show the same kindness Camille and Hank had shown her when they had taken her in and saved her from dying out on the streets to Nadia…

Nadia, the broken seventeen-year-old she had saved from living a life as a drug-addicted prostitute only for it to be taken away by a madman who had wanted to make Erin suffer. He had succeeded in his crazy mission and even though he was dead now, Erin still wished there was a way she could make him pay for what he had done to her friend and all the other innocent women he had tortured mentally and physically and who had to die a slow, painful death at his hands.

She had to stop thinking about Yates and Nadia. Her mind was already on a dangerous path and if she spent too much time getting consumed with guilt again, she knew she'd do something she'd regret. She'd come too far in her life, to let herself get dragged down that rabbit hole again.

Her thoughts drifted to Justin and instead of the guilt magically vanishing it only intensified. She could have saved him. If she hadn't been too busy being wrapped in her own life and her relationship, she could have helped him and he would still be alive. Then Olive wouldn't have had to be a widow and Daniel would have had the chance to grow up with his father.

Instead Olive had taken their son and left town to stay with her sister. Erin couldn't really fault her for choosing to leave and start anew somewhere that wasn't tainted with bad memories though. If she had been in Olive's shoes she probably would've done the exact same thing.

Hearing Hank say that she was now the only family he had left shortly after that had broken her heart, even though he had left her too. The day he chose to let revenge rule his life and take justice in his own hands after Justin had been killed.

Shaking her head, she reached for the bottle of beer that she had taken out of the refrigerator hours ago, but hadn't taken a single gulp out of until now and almost spit the now lukewarm liquid back out, realizing that the bottle had sat out there for too long.

If she had any tears left she would surely be crying by now, but with the amount of time she had spent crying in the safety of her bedroom for the past month she didn't know whether she would be able to cry again anytime soon.

She knew it was only a matter of time before she would get the call that both Mouse and Jay were dead.

Mouse. He had been missing for over six weeks now and even though Erin wanted to hold out hope, she was aware that a person missing for such a long period of time, especially in a war zone, was not likely to have survived.

Which brought her to the last person on her list- a list of people who had left…

' _Jay_ ,' just thinking his name made her breath hitch in her throat and her heart tighten inside her chest. She had witnessed what losing a person could do to him first hand with Terry, but that could have never prepared her for what happened to him when he got the news of Mouse's disappearance.

She had expected him to blame her for convincing him to let Mouse go, because that had been her first thought when Jay had told her about a mission going wrong and no word on Mouse, but she should have known better. Jay didn't blame her, he blamed himself because he had not been there to have Mouse's back and he wanted to rectify his mistake.

So her partner had made it his personal mission to get Mouse back. He had left only three days after he had gotten the news, had quit his job in the Intelligence Unit temporarily, to go on a rescue mission for his best friend.

Even though Erin hadn't wanted him to go, she knew he needed this, needed to know that he had done everything possible to bring Mouse back, dead or alive. He owed it to his friend to try and Erin understood. The conversation they'd had in the break room before Jay had accepted Mouse wanting to leave replayed in her head:

' _It's not the right move...' 'What if it was… What if_ you _were the one that wanted to go? Would you let anybody stand in your way?_ '

She had told Jay that she was ok with him leaving the country and trying to find his best friend, had even offered to go with him. Which Jay had quickly dismissed. He didn't want to endanger her life too or put her safety at risk. To justify his decision he had told her someone had to stay and keep Voight in line, she had snorted at that. There was no one who could keep their boss in line but Voight himself- she had learned that lesson the hard way.

But deep down in her heart, she had known that if he left he wouldn't be coming back. Getting that phone call confirming his death was only a technicality now.

She wondered how it had come to this, how she had lost all her hope in the span of a few weeks. The answer was easy but complicated at the same time: _Jay_.

He had been the one to hold out hope and be optimistic. He had not given up no matter how many dead ends he had hit, but as weeks passed by he had grown quieter on the rare occasions they talked and then suddenly he had stopped contacting her and communicating with her altogether.

She would've been on the first flight over, but a conversation she had had with Jay at the airport shortly before he had left prevented her from doing so.

* * *

" _I'm going to miss you," he told her, brushing a stray strand of her out of her face and tugging it behind her ear._

" _Then don't leave. Stay," was what she wanted to say, but what came out instead was a broken, "I'm going to miss you, too. Stay safe and bring him back."_

 _He looked at her in that moment, his eyes filled with so much love and at the same time regret. Regret for letting his best friend go in without backup, regret for leaving her behind, regret for all the things he should have done but didn't. She had to look away - otherwise she would start crying._

 _He brought his hand back up to her face and lifted her chin, forcing her to once again look at him._

" _Er, you have to promise me one thing: Please don't come looking for me, if I don't make it back."_

* * *

It had only been a week since she had last heard from him, but she had held true to her word. She hadn't told anyone he was not answering her calls or messages though. When Will had asked her if she'd heard from his brother, apparently he had stopped talking to him too, she had flat out lied to him and told him, yes she had spoken to him and he had told her he thought he had gotten a lead and that he wouldn't be able to get in touch with them during the next couple of weeks, but that he was safe.

She felt a slight twinge of guilt for having lied to Jay's brother like that, but she hadn't wanted to worry him. She had still held out hope for him to start responding to one of her phone calls or one of the text messages she had left him, begging him to let her know that he was ok.

Even now a small part of her refused to believe that Jay was gone, that she'd never see his smiling face again (she winced when she remembered he had said those exact same words to her before she had joined the task force almost two years ago), never get to hear him complain about not being allowed to drive the 300 or cracking her up with one of his stupid jokes when she was having a bad day.

She refused to believe that she'd never cuddle with him before bed again, or wake up being held in his embrace, his arms protectively wrapped around her body as if he was trying to shield her from all the bad things lurking around the next corner, even in his sleep.

She'd never get the chance to grow old with him, to maybe one day, far off in the future, start a family with him.

Having kids was a scary thought, especially in this world full of hatred and violence and given her own childhood experiences she hadn't seen herself as someone who would want to bring a child into all of this, but if she had ever decided that maybe she did want to have a child, she would have wanted Jay Halstead to be the father and the one to raise it with her.

Now it seemed like this future, even though she had barely allowed herself to think about it, was gone. That it had vanished in the blink of an eye, without her even having the possibility to discuss any of it with the man it had revolved around.

 _Jay_. It always came back to him. He was everywhere.

They had redecorated the apartment a few weeks after he had moved in, to truly make it _their_ apartment and now everywhere she looked she was reminded of Jay. It didn't help matters that she was wearing one of his hoodies too. It still smelled like him and she wondered what was gonna happen if she ran out of clothes she could wear that were still bathed in his comforting scent.

She didn't want to think about it and grabbed one of the blankets resting folded at the other end of the couch to pull it over her head.

Her head was spinning and she felt like she was drowning. Every time she tried to hold on to the picture of his smiling face it was replaced by the last time she had seen him at Chicago O'Hare, ready to board his flight, turning away, leaving her behind, throwing one last glance over his shoulder before he was gone.

' _People always leave.'_ That sentence was like a mantra, replaying over and over in her head, she just couldn't seem to shake it. No matter how badly she wanted to. She wished this was all a nightmare and she would wake up and Jay would be there to hold her, comfort her and tell her that it was going to be ok, that she was going to be ok, that they were ok.

* * *

Erin had lost count on how long she had stayed in the same position, curled in a ball, her entire body hidden under the blanket, desperately trying to hang on to every last happy memory of Jay she had, when suddenly a voice registered through the fog in her mind.

"Er…"

Someone was calling her name and then the blanket was lifted from her body and a face appeared in front of her. It took her moment to register who it was and she wondered briefly whether her mind was playing tricks on her, whether this was all a dream, but then she felt his mouth descent on her, his lips moving over hers in a slow deliberate kiss that left her gasping for air, but at the same time desperate to continue and just ignore the need for oxygen.

After they broke apart, she also noticed and recognized the second figure standing a little back, not more than a black silhouette leaning against the doorframe to the living room, illuminated only by the moonlight that was flooding the room through the large windows, yet her mouth was only able to form one word: "Jay."

* * *

 _People always leave… But sometimes they come back._


End file.
